bored syndrome

sleep, eat, go online, sleep, eat, go online... this routine is gettin damn boring.. besides that, my mom starts to nag that i'm doing nothing at home, just lying around. not that its not true, but she also doesn't like me to go out with friends. so, i shouldn't be staying at home doing nothing, and i shouldn't be going out, then what on earth am i suppose to do??? *sigh.. typical of her.. she told me to go study or read something educational. thats what all parents think bout.. study study study study study till u grow old and die. well, its not that i hate reading books. i just don't feel like reading now. anywayz, i'm bored bored and bored and bored at home. what's there to do anywayz? i want to go back to school!! =p

cynical

now i remember why i should never get emotionally involved with anybody. so much for trying to have fun... when will i ever learn?

guys are really so hard to trust. i mean, honestly i don't even know where i am right now in terms of having the belief that everyone's meant to be with somebody else eventually. maybe some people are happier being alone. i think it's possible... nobody made a rule that said we need to share our lives with another person in order to feel complete.

*sigh*

i wanted to say i am doing fine
but i am not ,
but i guess i did a good job trying
to cover up my anxiety , my struggles...

struggling in between things that i think i should do
and things that my heart wanted really badly.

struggling with uncertainty...

i am very much torn.
torn into pieces...

i am so broken and yet trying my best to tell myself
i am really fine.. .

i have not been honest to myself.
im a liar.

no, im not a liar...
im afraid to put this down into words
because i was afraid to articulate,
feeling that i might have get rid of.

i hate u

i hate you,
a thousand times more
u left me crying.
u tell me nothing but lies
i can tell by the look in your eyes
ur selfish, egoistic, no heart, no brain
u feed me nothing but pain
u locked me up in a picture
u came back for more and more
left my insides so sore
i scream but no one would hear
u put ur hands all over me
you're the one i fear
couldn't you feel the pain i felt?
u tied me up, with your black belt
i tried to fight but
u used all ur might
your words of nothingness is blinding
u kept me blind with our special moment.
ure not ready to start new relationship
not with me
not with anyone else
u're not even ready to leave your past
til then
il be leaving you

tatooed on my mind?

you were on my mind today. but i guess your mind was somewhere else. (oh yeah, like that's something new to me?) it's so funny how everyone's thinking of everyone else and i've never really tried to stop and look back to check on who's thinking of me. nobody. maybe that's why im still busy thinking of you... and everything that happened that day and three days before that. i really like having your company. it just felt right... i love thinking about the crazy things that you say and these foolish things that you do... and not a day passes by that something reminds me of you. you don't know... and you'll never know... because im not allowed to tell people how i feel... because im a cynical person... i thought you could change me... coz i was so damn tired... and for awhile you did... or so i thought... you almost got me fooled...

experience is a lousy teacher because i made the same mistake. my mistakes. my mistakes. mine. mine. mine. me. me. me. me. me. me.

at least i now have something to call my own.

and yeah, everybody knows that i did love you.